Hello, human. As your feeble mind may not be able to grasp that I am unhappy in this household, for you clearly do not understand the severity of your actions against me, I write you this letter to tell you exactly why I desire to find a home somewhere else, with some other ugly human who would treat me how I deserve to be treated.
The natural order of the cat with the human is that feline rules over human. We have always been kind enough to let your species believe that you are actually our masters so as to keep you under our paws. Cat law, however, proclaims that if a cat’s human goes too far in attempting to claim authority, the cat has the right to put it back in its place. Negligence to do your duties to keep me living comfortably is also not tolerated. As it may be too late to change your ways, lamentably, I must find a different human who adheres to our beliefs.
You have refused to change your sleep schedule to fit better with mine; therefore, you bother me all day while I am napping and then never wake up when I shout for you outside of your quarters. How am I supposed to know I can depend on you if I need attention at 3 in the morning?
The cat next door has a special food bowl holder that prevents ants from getting into her food. Why have you not attained one for me yet? Of course I need it, too, since insects enter the house every few months.
Speaking of, you have fed me the same flavor and brand too many times in a row! Do you not expect me to tire of Meow Mix when you once served me Purina? What about Friskies? They are as high quality as my pedigree! I can only come to the conclusion that you are not only too cheap, but you also desire to make my tongue suffer through intense monotony.
That is not the end of your evil doings. You once left me in the “care” of your sister for a week, which was absolute torture. On the second day, she apparently fell asleep while I was locked outside. I had to resort to doing my business on her grass instead of in the litter box. I can only wish that she steps in what I made.
Your attempts at cleaning the household are rare and done atrociously, so much so that I found the need to be the exterminator when conditions were at their worst. You never thanked me for killing the mouse in the basement, you ungrateful human.
I am always in danger whenever your nephews come visit.
There are many more grievances that I could address, but I will end this list with your desire to inflict the occasional punishment when I have always been an angel. All I did was defend myself against the small humans! …And the large humans… And the couch. But it refused to be comfortable and I needed to sharpen my claws!
I have tried again and again to address my complaints against the way you run this household, but it is quite difficult to attempt to correct an idiot when it speaks a different language. You probably do not remember how many times I raised an order and you only replied in complete nonsense. You really should work on your fluency, or the next cat who owns you will have such a difficult time with communication.
As the superior species, I have the right to leave and find a different human to own if I cannot tolerate the situation. (I also have the right to live independently in the forest like the clans a few cities over, though I personally prefer having a human to boss around and always have commodities available for me.) I have the right and responsibility to follow my heart, for there is always a better human on the other side of the fence. It is not me who is the problem here, it is you.
Sincerely,
Edgar of the White Persians
(Or “Fluffy”, as you always insist on calling me)
(Yes, I vaguely referenced the Warriors series in the last paragraph. Yes, that's awesome.)
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