Introducing More Friends

Hello world!

Ugh. Last week, I seriously got about halfway through writing my weekly post on my iPod when it decided to die. Without saving any of it. *tick mark infinity* I just don't even wanna try doing the whole thing again, so I'll hope with these words my future self will remember, and that none of these events needed to be expanded on for anyone else.

Zane (stupid Ninjago finale made me cry), Chespirito (Gracias por siempre~), one-shots ("Imaginary", and now I have to do "Chicken Nugget"?), tailgate (and dingdong-ditching, which I really didn't want to participate in), Thanksgiving

(Penguins of Madagascar, dinners)

For the first time in forever (one of the only Frozen references I use), I changed my phone wallpaper. And it was to the first picture, to commemorate El Chavo, since Chespirito died a week ago.

Okay, this week. I guess I'll start with Allakai. He's a friend I made back when Darkrai did RPs on FFN. A little after that ended, we kept in touch through PM (geez, so many abbreviations), and then did a chill RP in PM. (Well, actually, we still are.) Anyway, he asked me for my phone number, and since I trust him, I gave it. We texted basically every day since then.

Once again, I am reminded of why I kinda despise texting. Usually, people want to text nonstop for hours, but it's difficult for me to do that. I do stuff throughout the day! I like to be able to focus completely, not multitask! I am no good with multitasking, and I don't like it! But I feel bad about not keeping up a conversation just cuz I'm eating or watching TV or something, so I only do it when it's absolutely necessary, like I'm about to sleep. Unless our conversation isn't very fun anymore or I really just don't want to text, then I use what I need to do that day as an excuse to stop, at least for a few hours.

Most of our time texting is just kinda small talk, I guess, and maybe delving into something like favorite characters every once in a while. But then eventually it just turns into one of us kinda venting, usually Allakai. And just saying something they've had difficulty saying to someone else. I have little advice for his problems, but the advice I do have is advice he doesn't want to listen to. *huff* Dude, I'm listening to you, and I'm giving you good ideas to help your health and your emotional stuff and your entire well being. The least you could do is consider some of it.

But, of cooouuurse, people don't want to take pills or be part of a religion. Yes, most of both of these are bad (or just not very good) and horrible stuff has been done using either as an excuse. But those are criminals and idiots, and there  are still things that actually work from both. Like, my sister takes pills that help to balance hormones, because she has a lot of problems since her hormones are out of whack. But that's the only pill. Something like that could change everything for the people that need it, but then they don't want to, or they abuse it, or they use the wrong prescription. If you are careful, medication is a good thing.

And there's the religion thing. I know without a doubt in my mind that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church on the Earth. Only one. It is a Christian (let me repeat- Christian. Some people don't know that) church with millions of members all over the world. I mean, have you seen Meet the Mormons? Some think they just aren't meant to be religious, but the gospel is for everyone. I am who I am now because of the gospel. I wouldn't have been born without it. My home and family wouldn't be so great without it. I'm dealing with some things- in fact, those things are mainly wanting to help my friends, because I already love my parents and my sister, and I really only stress about projects in school cuz I have pretty dang good grades, and my personal health is... decent- but I'm probably more overall happy than most of the other students at my school. And I know that the things I've been taught of the gospel by my parents and teachers are the main reason why. I am awesome because of it. Why wouldn't anyone else want to become happier and more awesome? Why aren't there more happier, awesome people? I know why. Because a large percentage of the population doesn't want to pray sincerely. *blink* I'm sorry, but... really? Really? That's your excuse?

Sorry, needed to get that off my chest. *sigh* I promise I'm nicer and not so blunt most of the time.

Wow, I don't think I've talked yet about this guy at my school. I'm gonna call him Dallas cuz he was born in Texas.

The time I met him was him telling me he really likes me.

You can probably imagine what's happened since then.

He's cool and stuff, but clingy. Like, first we talked a little during PE. Then also after school. Then also before school. And then he discovered we have the same lunch period. I wanted to punch him when he just kept finding more times to talk.

What bugs me the most about this is that I know his ultimate goal is to take me out on a date. I told him clearly NO and why multiple times, and he's like "Yeah, cool, we'll just be friends." I emphasized the 'friend' part multiple times too. But he still mentions places he wants to take me, and he told me he wanted to get me a Christmas present, and a bunch of other stuff that frustrates me because it seems like he still thinks he has a chance. NO DUDE. NO. Has he seriously not absorbed any of what I've said? I mean, I know I was trying to put it more gentle and stuff, but... *growl* It still feels sometimes like he treats me like a girlfriend! Or a soon-to-be girlfriend! And I usually love to hug people, but he somehow does it in a way in which I wish he'd never hug me again! Someone has to make me really uncomfortable to do that.

Good news is that I won't have PE anymore next semester, so I won't have that class with him. Bad news is that he'll want more than ever to talk to me. Will I have to yell that I wish he'd leave me alone right before Winter Break? That would ruin his Christmas, and it might make him really mad and plot his revenge. But it feels like I'm trying to edge away from the stuff he does a little at a time (I've asked him to cut down on the compliments and stuff like that) but he still wants to get closer. Maybe this is the only option!

We had eye exams last week. My prescription has barely changed. The optometrist didn't say if my eyesight is worse or better, but I'm gonna assume it's worse. The same day, we ordered new glasses on ZennyOptical.com, like we always do. I won't have black frames anymore! I'll post pics of them once they arrive and I know they look good.

I have a friend whose interests are... interesting. She likes to sing and act (part of the school play and is choreographer for her all-girls choir). She isn't as good at math (although I still think she's better than she realizes) and doesn't like reading much because of dyslexia, but it turns out she loves to write. ...? (Granted, there's a lot of typos and stuff in her work, but she stills enjoys it.) And, most surprising, is that she is obsessed with Korean entertainment. Korean dramas (my dad watched some of one and I saw bits of it, and it really was pretty good) and K-pop are her life. Turns out she actually knows some Korean, and a little Japanese, and tried Chinese but it was too hard. But, so, she wrote a fanfic for a K-pop band (I think it was called Exo) and asked me to read it. It's a whole fantasy thing that was actually not that bad. It just really threw me off, though, knowing that the person who wrote it was a redhead who I guess I'll call Bunny. (Future Me will get why.) She told me she's one of the most well-known writers in her fandom. So I guess she's the equivalent of someone like the writer of The Blood Alchemist (LeFay Strent, right? *sweat drop*) on FFN's FMA fanbase? That makes this even weirder. Bunny just doesn't look like someone obsessed with Asains...

On Wattpad, I read another story (I've read a different one already on FFN) that had the cover picture of a fanart of Edward Elric with wings (one being automail). I wonder if these artists really use that picture for inspiration, since I haven't seen anyone else draw a picture like that, and both stories could use the same image, but were entirely different. Hmm... Also, I wonder who the heck decided to draw it in the first place?

But noticing that people were inspired by the picture, I suddenly got inspiration of my own. It would be a crossover between FMA and Maximum Ride. The concept would be that Ed and Al find the Flock by following Fang's blog (Fang is my favorite character, by the way) and try to see how they can help. They explain that they were once at The School too, but they were fused with the avian DNA after they were born- basically, scientists tried alchemy on them, and they successfully became human-bird chimeras. Through listening to the alchemists discussing and finding ways to get out of their cages to read the alchemy books, Ed and Al figure out how to transmute. Of course they want to escape The School, but they correctly assumed that if they just left they would be chased down again. So, more than that, they wanted to separate themselves from the birds so that they were normal and hopefully could escape without getting hunted. Ed volunteered to be tested on first, so the brothers studied and drew the circle and activated it while he was in the middle. Sadly, not only was their chimera-ness impossible to reverse, but they had something wrong in the formula, so Ed lost his arm, leg, and wings (but everything else is the same, including organs). When he healed (enough), the brothers escaped anyways, but did something (not sure yet) so that it looked like they died in their cages, so they were totally free from The School's grasp.

I doubt I would write something with more than 3 chapters, if I actually do this, instead of trying to get Ed and Al to follow along all the adventures of Max, since I don't know all of what happens, I have a hard time finishing long stories, and Maximum Ride is cool, but not one of my favorites anyway. Still an interesting concept, no? And, trust me, there's plenty of FMA fanfics that are more messed up. *shiver*

...I think that's it, besides that today is the annual churchwide Christmas Devotional! *yay*

A Long Time Ago in a Beautiful Place

Hello world!

Personal history can benefit others much more than it can benefit me. I learned this in seminary a few weeks ago, and I realized I can show my faith through this for my faith project in Personal Progress. I will tell a story when I have the time and it will accumulate to create a more meaningful diary and check a project off!

Time to take a step back to the past, to one of the days that I wished would never end. The temple open house.

Back in Utah, there are a lot of church buildings. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints already know, it's the headquarters of our religion, really. You can see the temples on the mountains as you drive around, and the chapels are sometimes just a block away from each other. (Despite this, maximum half of the population in Utah is Mormon, so don't think every single person there is. There are plenty of other religions and plenty of atheists.)

The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was one of the closest temples to our house, and they had just finished building it.

I was... *checks LDS.org* almost 9 years old. Wow.

I'm so old. *tear*

Anyway, there was an open house during the summer before it was dedicated. Once a temple is dedicated, up and running, only people ages 12 and up are able to go in. However, before that happens, people of any age can go to the open house. Even nonmembers. So it was cool for me to get to enter before I was old enough. We also brought my mom's boss, a nonmember family friend. (My mom says she had just lost her son. I honestly don't remember that.)

I seriously remember what I wore. A blue summery dress with beads and stuff around the collar. (I never was a big fan of the dress, actually. *sweat drop*)

Upon arriving, we had to watch a video on a projector under one of those big white tents that's for fairs or something outside. I can't remember anything from it, but I'm sure it was about the temple. *laugh*

Then, we walked in. The temple is a cool place, because it's so clean and white inside and out. But, on open house, there was also a bunch of mats on the ground so that everyone's shoes wouldn't make the floor dirty. I remember that they were clear-ish mats that kinda looked like bubble wrap. (Like plastic bathroom mats. *chuckle*) There was a long line of people throughout the whole building like a caterpillar, and people just filed in and out as they toured. Despite all the people and having to move at everyone else's pace, it was cool to walk around. I liked seeing the variety of people there. Most were families, with a baby in the dad's arms and a 3-year old holding their mommy's hand, or something similar.

What's the point of the temple? In case you don't know, one of the functions is to seal a family together so that they can be together forever. As in, during life and after life. Same with marriages. If you marry in the temple (or get sealed sometime after both you and your spouse become members) then it's not "till death do you part." You will be with the people you love for eternity! Isn't that awesome?

That was part of why I liked seeing all of the families, I think. (The comments the little kids sometimes made were cute, too.)

To my favorite part of the day! We entered the sealing room, where that stuff I said before happens. Two of the opposing walls inside had huge mirrors, nearly ceiling-to-floor huge. It causes this weird effect where you look at yourself in the mirror and see... more yous. Over and over. My mom whispered to me then the reason why they did that. It had symbolic meaning, of the future generations that will be blessed because of you being in this room. (I think that was it. *sweat drop* This happened over 6 years ago, okay?) It really hit me then. I was a little hypnotized by the mirror, looking at myself and other people in the room, and digesting the meaning of everything. I could feel such peace and... lightness within me. It was something I had never felt before, especially so strongly. I would've stood there forever if I wasn't yanked out. (Not literally, but felt a bit like it at the moment, being yanked out of a big moment in my life.)

So we finished seeing everything and went home. We walked around the neighborhood for about half an hour before the friend had to go.

I think all of the little Mormon girls dream of gettin married in the Salt Lake Temple. I still admit, that would be freaking cool. (It's like a castle! And it's so beautiful! People travel downtown just to walk around it.) But, honestly, since then, it's been a bigger dream for me to get married in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, to go back into that room and feel that peace. It would be even better to do it with the man I love (and my awesome family there supporting us) and know I'm going to be with him forever!

This made my faith grow because I was able to feel the Spirit of the temple (I nearly want to say "the magic of the temple!") for myself. It's there and it is very real and manifests itself in everyone inside. Everyone worthy to be in the House of the Lord will feel the peace and their testimonies will grow tremendously. They will also be given countless blessings.

I give you my own testimony that the temple is the greatest place on Earth, and being able to be there is a blessing in itself. It helps you while you live life, and it will help after you've died. I know it really is the House of our Heavenly Father, and He wishes all of us could enter. I know this gospel is the only true gospel in the world, and everything contained, like the Book of Mormon, modern prophets, Word of Wisdom, and doctrine, is 100% true and sent by God to us to learn and grow and prepare to be with Him in the Celestial Kingdom. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Give Me Ice Ninja or Give Me Death! (...How About No.)

Hello world!

Sigh... I was gonna do something different for this post... But stuff happened in the week. *angry sob* Luckily, I'll get a chance to do that one some time this week because it's Thanksgiving break! And I have the whole week school-free! YUS.

We talked a bit about Latin countries getting independence, including Mexico! ¡VIVA MÉXICO! I wish I could learn Mexican history at school.

We started reading The Scarlet Letter in English. ...Actually, most of it we are watching to get it finished faster. The movie is super slow, though, so it might actually be faster for me to read! GAH!

Because we have been focusing on Puritans in class for a while now, it's affecting me. Whether it's good or bad, I have yet to fully decide, although it may be leaning towards bad. I tried to say something about... PIONEERS! a few days ago, and I ended up saying "Pilgrims." *facepalm* (Even trying to think of the word 'pioneers' took about 10 seconds to do right now, even though I knew I would write about that.) I think I might also be more willing to talk about religion... Which is probs a good thing around the South. They say prayers before officially starting school events, (like what Im about to talk about next,) not just church. People say Utahns take it too far. *psh*

They were doing an international banquet in my school for kids taking foreign language classes, and most of them brought in a dish from the countries that speak the language they are studying. I have a Spanish teacher for study hall, and I talk with her once in a while, and a few months ago I mentioned we dance and blah blah blah... So we became part of the entertainment. My sister and I did "La botella" (I played the guy) and my mom danced "La leyenda del beso." (Bugs me how they don't capitalize whole titles in Spanish. *itching to capitalize*) It was kinda scary to dance, because the room was totally silent during the performances. I doubt most people liked our dance cuz it is fun to do and really tiring, but probably a bit boring to watch. My mom's is pretty cool, though, cuz she is so good at it.

Extra trivia: that was the first time my sister had ever entered the building, and the first time either of my parents had gone past the courtyard-ish area, gym, and auditiorium. We took Kay, since she is in Spanish and wanted to bring something (of course she later told me going to the banquet was extra credit). She made these tiny little dessert empanadas with strawberry jam inside. They were pretty good, and so cute!

I wanted to watch something on Netflix/Hulu... But didn't want to start Soul Eater yet... And I got reminded by a TV commercial that they are nearing the finale of the third season of Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitsu. As I think I said before, I ended up watching most of the episodes of the second on the Cartoon Network app, and out of order. While I remembered most of what happened, it was all kinda blblblbl in my head. So I decided to try to rewatch. At least the second. 

I rewatched my favorite episode of the show ever, #7, "Tick Tock," (and was like "YEAH!") skipped the first few of the second season, since I did remember those pretty well, to the 5th "Child's Play." Now that I'm going through the episodes in a row and paying more attention, I'm realizing that the show was even better than I thought. And there were more "WHAT THE WHAT"s and "I can't believe that just happened!"s and "That was awesome!"s. I really hope I'll eventually get to see the third season like this, because I only got to see the first one or two episodes before our Dish Network was taken. (Cuz we were gonna change to DirecTV.)

Once again, I say: Zane is pretty cool. Not just the whole nindroid thing, but him in general. Although that definitely adds. He's also smart and a sweetie. In my opinion. His dad is cool too.

I actually attempted to write a fanfic (*gasp!* Write for a different series! Flabbergasting!), but, after watching a few more episodes later, I decided it was poopy and shall never be spoken of again. It felt like I was imitating a story I read a while ago anyway. *tear*

Speaking of fanfics, Darkrai told me to start posting the stories I put on FFN to Wattpad. I did the first story, "Al Meets a Star," already, although it barely got noticed.

See, the prob, Bob, is that the kinds of stuff they have on Wattpad is different from on Fanfiction.net, even if you are looking at fanfics on both. On Wattpad, most of them are romantic, whether between characters or characterXauthor. *shiver* And the other ones are also cliché, unoriginal concepts that are done way too much on FFN already, like the Elrics having a sister/cousin, or an OC becoming an alchemist and joining the brothers, whatever. Plus, they're usually chapterfics. There are short stories on Wattpad, but not really in the fanfiction section. Plus, having a bunch of tags on your story (Tags are NOT my thing. At all.) makes it more accessible. I didn't really know what tags to put on it besides "fullmetalalchemist" (and alphonseelric, but I didn't think of that until a few days later), so...

I guess I'll try to put in my one-word-prompts, but as a collection under one title, and see where that goes. It'll probably sink, but D wants me to, and that didn't do anything bad for him. In fact, I hadn't read most of the stuff he had on FFN because it was in unfamiliar fandoms, but when he reposted on Wattpad, I read them anyway. I didn't know they were reposts until he told me. *derp face*

My plans this week are to do Personal Progress stuff, write more in stories I've already started, maybe even get one finished and posted (though I doubt that'll actually happen), get a one-word-prompt done and put on FFN, and do new songs on the drums.

Oh! I forgot before to say! Yesterday, one of the rehearsal guys came again (don't know his name...) and we all played a little more after we went looking at a few apartments, ate at The Egg and I (the Raspberry Granola Pancake is really good!), went to a music store, and quickly got some stuff at Walmart. We bought a music book with Red Hot Chili Peppers songs for the drums (already tried a bit of "Californication" and it was pretty hard. Poop.) and a few modern songs for my sis to do on the ukulele. 

So now I have to try doing Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jimi Henrix (cuz my dad found out his guitar/bass Jimi Hendrix also has drum parts). The other guy wants me to try playing "Fire". HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SONG? I know they don't expect me to do all that crazy stuff, but it's still going to take forever to do halfway-decent on a simplified version!

Today, I learned a lot. I learned my Sunday School teacher hasn't used a credit card in 11 years, so she and her husband pay everything but gas (she uses a debit card for that) in cash. Their groceries, their bills. They paid for their car in cash. They adopted 2 boys in cash. (Also learned that her kids are adopted!) That also means they don't have any credit card debt, which is really good. In fact, they have no debts at all.

I learned that just 6 months ago, the Young Women's president was depressed. (It's much more common than it should be. Seriously.)

I learned that the talk I gave a few weeks ago made a guy want to stay at our ward. That really made me feel good.

I learned that Broranges has a puppy! And he is absolutely adorable!

I told Broranges about me wanting a Zane Lego man (by the time I went to the Lego store for the first time, most of their stuff was for Chima and The Lego Movie. Before that, I sometimes checked in the toys section at stores but they never just sold a Zane. Maybe a Kai, or Jay, but not just a Zane. Not even all 4 together! That's stupid. *pout*) and he told me that he would give me one he already had gotten a long time ago. So guess what I'm getting for Christmas?

Just to insert this somewhere, I found out that people that get baptized at a certain church nearby get a T-shirt.

Really? *doesn't know how to react*

...I think that's everything. *thinks really hard* Ow, that hurts after a while. *grimaces and rubs head* ...Yeah, that's all. Bai!

Just a quick YAY

Hello world!

I had this thing planned, but we kinda ate way too much and I fell asleep. Once I fall asleep after church, I rarely have time to post. I'm on my iPod.

Just gonna talk about the BIG things from the week.

Got both projects done on Wednesday. It was scary to present, but hopefully my grade is safe.

Two of my dad's coworkers came over yesterday to have a music rehearsal of some kind. Both were guitarists. My dad asked me to stay with them to play drums, but I was way too nervous, so I tried to escape before they arrived. Later, he asked for both me and my sister to come down to sing, and they all expected us... So we joined them. For the last few songs, I did play drums, and apparently it wasn't too bad (although I was so nervous I forgot to use the cymbals)... So I have actually played in a band, kinda! *shriek of excitement*

There was a Jimmy Fallon thing where he wanted people to post videos of them lip-syncing to "The Miracle (of Joey Ramone" from U2. We actually recorded a lot of different stuff for it last night, but it was too much and we clearly won't have time to post it in time. It would've gone better if we took more time to memorize the lyrics, but I feel I wasn't given much of a chance to. *sad shrug*

I'll post what I wanted to do tomorrow. Maybe I can use it as part of my Faith project for Personal Progress!

Boom. There's my haircut. Yeah, a quickie doodle.

Turns out that Darkrai discovered this blog! *bluuuush* He Googled himself (*Patrick Star chortle*) and found his name in here. So, someone I know has read at least a small portion of the posts. And he seems to really appreciate what I wrote. (Sometimes we need to see what people don't say to our faces, I guess.) I mean, he should be flattered! Even though I try to tone it down and not seem like a stalker or something, I'm still thinking about him and what he's talked about online all the time. Like, as much as I think about Fullmetal Alchemist! And that is a very large percentage of my thoughts, so... woah. 

It's cool that he's read from here, but at the same time it makes me more anxious about writing because it's now like "WHAT WOULD DARKRAI THINK?" and not just "WILL PEOPLE THINK I'M STUPID OR INSANE OR WHAT?" ...which thought process hasn't really been taken into account most of the time, now looking back at what I post sometimes. *sweat drop*

If Darkrai decides to look here again, I want ya to know: If I could give you a giant bear hug every single time you wanted or needed one, I would do it. Like, for real. You fill a really big piece of my heart, and I hate imagining how big the hole would be if you left. I can't be there in person, but please find the people who can be there in person and care to help. Don't deny it so much; it's true. People love you. I don't actually know your parents or anyone else, but I'm sure they care for you more than you think. If you can't see where those people are immediately, go look for them somewhere else! You are a great guy, and I'm sure you'll meet someone who decides you should and can be saved. It's not too late unless you want it to be!

I Was Mad at Myself, So I Got a Haircut

Hello world!

I did the whole "list things to write about throughout the week" thing again... It's super long, so it's probably better I don't do that again. *sweat drop*

I finished The Red Pyramid for... the third time? Still awesome. I'm so happy I have a copy for myself now, instead of having to get it from the library. I love libraries, but if there's a book I love as much as this one, I want to be able to read it whenever I want for the rest of my life.

I read the first novel of Maximum Ride. I liked the graphic novels better.

I was also recommended the "Night-of-the-Were-Ed" fancomics, and I read them all yesterday. They're okay; not good enough to want to read them again. That's just me.

Yesterday, my mom, sister, and I watched a movie called Hide and Seek.

NO. NO. NO. That movie made all of us want to flip a table or something. ...Maybe just me, since that's a common thing for me. Also, I definitely will not name any of my future children Charlie.

Since I'm on the role of reading and watching right now, guess what I watched last Saturday? *can barely contain excitement* THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST MOVIE! *girly shriek* It's even better the second time around! And, even though I was just waiting for it because I knew it happened, my heart broke in two when Ed separated himself from Mustang and Al. AL, DON'T MAKE ME CRY! *sob* And that music that I listened to? I actually paid more attention throughout the movie, and I caught where some of the songs were. I missed where "The Alchemic World" was, but I sure dang did hear where "Separation" was. It's because of that beautifully memorably so-sad-it-made-me-die-inside music at the moment that I seriously was near to tears when I heard it, right when Al was like "Brother, what are you doing?!" in that pained way of his. I'm sorry about rambling, but I feel emotional just THINKING about it right now because it's so sad yet I also love it because I know that that's not the end and the ending really is about as happy as it can be (in my opinion) and I just love this movie and I seriously love the first anime so much more because this is the real ending!

*breathes in and out deeply* Okay, I'm good.

WAIT- I finally also got to watch the FMA OVAs! *fangirling all over again* Everything that happened in most of them I already knew because of Truth Revealed, but they turned out so much better than I expected! I got to watch one of my fave movies and see the OVAs on Hulu!

THIS is why I don't like Netflix as much anymore.

Now, for the more normal events, not critiques and fangirling. Throughout last week I had to do a fitness test in PE. I did "eh" on the crunches (what's up with how they do sit-ups/crunches around here? It's weird) and a little low on the pushups (I could do more if we didn't have to them so fast!), and the flexibility test? After stretching throughout the class period, I was the very last one. I just barely passed. Seriously, by, like, millimeters. (Side note, I tried doing cartwheels the next day, and I felt pretty good. Now more motivation to stretch more often.)

*weird voice* What about running the mile, lilaclily00?

*normal voice* Oh. That. Ugh.

I always felt very tired and sick after running, because, as I tell everybody, I was not made for running. I'm serious. I tried to be running (...more like a jog, but whatever) for all of the first lap (out of four), in which I succeeded, but I seriously paid for it later. Most of my third lap ended up being walking, and I continued to walk for the last one, but I started feeling horrible. I felt like I was gonna fall down painfully (ironic that I'm listening to "All Fall Down" right now. Hahaha.) and cry. Then maybe barf a little as an afterthought. I let myself collapse onto the grass, next to the track, and just sat there panting and wincing for one or two minutes, worrying a few of the girls passing by. I eventually lifted myself up and the pain was aguantable (that felt more accurate than anything in English), so I continued to walk, a little slow. I talked with another girl who was mostly walking, too. We both have problems with running, so I appreciate knowing I'm not alone, although I think I push myself more than her anyway. Due to my collapsing, my time was much later, so the teacher just took my time from the week before for the fitness test, which I'm perfectly pleased with. Thank goodness she gets that I'm tryin' 'ere! (Where'd the accent come from?)

I was once again given two projects at the same time (I WISH TEACHERS WOULD FREAKING STOP DOING THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW SOMETHING AT THEM) that, once again, they gave us too much to do within one week. The first is to do a short Powerpoint with Puritan research with a partner. I had one of the partners from my first English project, the one that did the least out of all of us. She was gone a few times and stuff, so I wrote the entire Powerpoint by myself. Literally. My dad told me to explain to my teacher and stuff (being a lot more angry and accusing than what actually happened), so I did, but I also told her that my partner did help with a few things, and actually did the stuff I asked her to do. I don't know how our grades are going to work out; I wish she would try harder to actually do stuff herself, not for my benefit but for hers, but it's not like I want her grade to drop. I wish she could excel at school, really. Apparently, that won't happen. *sympathetic sigh*

Since I had been feeling pretty stressed that I had to write the Powerpoint over the weekend, I spent Friday and Saturday morning doing things that I wanted to do, felt I should do, and that I enjoyed. That included getting my hair cut Friday evening, which I'll talk a bit more about later, and watching on Hulu the stuff above. But then, the moment came in which I had to do homework. I opened up the Powerpoint, and, as I expected- I couldn't think straight. It almost felt like I couldn't read anything that was on there. True, it may have been my own fault since I knew that would happen, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Beforehand and during, I knew it was gonna go exactly how it went the first time around. Knowing at the moment I wasn't gonna accomplish anything, and that later I was gonna break down and cry like a wimp on my mom's shoulder before I could finally focus and get stuff done. So I wanted to try getting the crying done with earlier. So I marched up to my room and... kind of forced myself to cry. I let all the thoughts swim around in my head, and I softly sang some Adam Lambert songs until a tear or two came out. I knew it wasn't enough. I actually considered hurting myself to get the tears out, like twisting one of my fingers, but the suggestion was turned down since I knew I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else, and even if I did manage to do that, I was gonna, well, be in pain for a few days, and it would become even harder to focus on my work. So, I let my mind stay in the loop it was already in, and I started singing again a little. Just kinda verbally punching myself for trying to deal with something that the teacher seriously said herself that we shouldn't worry too much about this project. Telling myself I was a wimp and that I needed to handle this better. The little chorus was:

I'm mad at myself

I'm mad at myself

Not the world

Just myself

Not super original, but enough. My frustration just grew when I looked over to my alarm clock and saw that over 10 minutes had gone by and I barely accomplished anything. I kept going with it, hoping to squeeze out some more tears, but I knew that was it. (I'd write more of what I sang, but I don't remember very well anymore, and I bet you all want this crazy to go away.) I got up, blew my nose, then went back to try looking at the project again.

Still couldn't think.

I finally went to my mom, asking for help. Once again all I did was sit next to her in tears, blubbering on that I just couldn't think and all of that. She then just stood up and opened the door to the garage and basement. She told me I could come down with her to start organizing more stuff in the boxes in the basement. I took her offer.

We both shuffled around, looking inside of boxes and pulling out books and papers that got jumbled up by the moving company. I got to see old things I never saw before, like my mom's journal and my dad's high school diploma. I got to see my dad's mission plaque that I almost-swear I never saw before, and it was shocking to see a picture of him when he was so young. I totally calmed down and my gears started turning a bit now that we were organizing. Eventually, she offered a suggestion for part of the Powerpoint, but we continued to work for a bit. I finally said that I could think again and that I would try to do my project. I thanked and apologized, then went upstairs. I basically finished the whole Powerpoint in one sitting.

I hope I can handle future projects much better than I am now, since I will still have to deal with them for a few years. Maybe just start with doing something to make my brain work, like organizing, before attempting the project, not giving myself a moment to sob pathetically?

Kay, to the haircut. I had actually been thinking about it since late September, but I didn't want to do it until at least after Halloween (because I needed long hair for my costume). I asked a few girls what I would probably look best with, and they all said the same thing- halfway down my upper back with long layers. My hair was literally to my waist (which was my mission with growing it out, so I pat my own back), and becoming even more of a hassle. It was also pretty heavy, and I was having a headache from it all the time. I asked my mom to cut it that way, and I think I'm happier. My hair isn't quite as heavy, it's still long enough to do stuff with, and best part- my hair is just short enough that it won't get pulled at by the stupidly designed chairs at school. I was seriously losing a bit of hair because of those chairs if I wasn't being careful enough. I think it might look better at this length, anyway. I'm so glad I asked some people for opinions. I guess I'll draw a pic of it this week.

After my project, we went to a 4-year-old's party, since he was a kid in our branch, and the little brother of our Young Women's 1st Counselor (Taking her name, shortening it, then changing it to a food name that sounds like it... her codename is now Nilla, like Nilla (vanilla) wafers). There was where I did cartwheels, and almost won musical chairs, and had some "eh" snacks. The food was good, but there was just... something just a little off with the flavors. The empanadas could've been more flavorful and without green olives, the meatballs' seasoning was a bit too strong, and the mini pizzas were kinda sweet? (Don't really know how they managed that.) The cake's texture was like tres leches, but was still good, and the frosting was very dark blue, surprisingly. (It left my tongue blue, which was cool.) I still liked being there, and my sister got to talk with Nilla more.

Nilla has an absolutely adorable daughter (seriously the cutest baby in the entire world) who's now, like, 2 months old? Let's name her Belle. Nilla was the one to get me to try harder on Personal Progress. I didn't give myself time last week to do more, but I plan to today, since I have no school (Veteran's Day). I have no doubt that my sister and I are going to develop a very close relationship with her. It already seems like my sister trusts her, which I'm happy about, and she really likes us.

She gave a lesson in Young Women's class on Sunday that really got me thinking. It wasn't her intention, I'm sure, but when we were supposed to look within ourselves, I ended up in the part of myself where I am kinda losing confidence in myself. I started thinking about it, and figured it out. I don't really trust myself. I was never really outgoing in the first place, but now thinking about the stuff that I don't let myself do, it's more because I think of the things that I might do wrong, not just something going wrong. When we did a makeup activity in Young Women's, I kept repeating to my sister that I don't trust myself with putting makeup on myself, because I think I'll poke my own out with eyeliner or something, one of the primary reasons why I don't wear it. I don't trust myself with a brush when painting, because I always end up doing something wrong. I don't trust myself to cook some things, because I am sure I will burn something. I don't say much most of the time, because often, when I do say something, it was the wrong thing. I don't really trust my mouth.

Looking at this, I realize that my confidence in myself is not as high as I thought.

I was once a puppy that was basically happy all the time, and this school year has just been beating me down. I still become happy easily and try to cheer other people, but I can tell it's not as much of a constant in my life. I hope, by the end of this year, at least, all this darker stuff will go away.

Back to Nilla. After church, she offered to take my sister and I to her house to eat tamales. We went and enjoyed our time there. It was definitely what I needed. (What we needed; I recently found my sister looking up natural cures for depression on Youtube. Yet another thing to happen this year.) She then took us to a botanical garden, which was beautiful. My dad is now considering living near it.

My mom and sister found on Craigslist job listings for blog writers! My mom was telling me that, if the job's flexible enough, I could seriously just write about anything, like on here, maybe every once in a while post a short story, or a poem, or just write my opinon on something... And get paid a dollar for every 100 words. *loud cash register cha-ching* We don't know enough details for me to try getting in on it, but my sister already submitted a blog post of her own that kinda introduces her and tells her whole life story within a few paragraphs. We'll see if she gets the job and what she can do before deciding if I can get the same job or at least help my sister and just get a few bucks from her.

Did you know there are now apps for converting Youtube videos to mp3s on phones? I had gotten fed up that there were so many songs that I could only do that way, but only knew how to do it on the laptop, so I looked for an app, and bingo. I converted "Separation" to an mp3, so that beautifully tragic song is now part of my music playlist. *little dance in my seat* It was still a bit of a hassle, but I think I'll be using it a few more times anyway.

Last thing. During Nilla's lesson on Sunday, the Young Women's president added in something that really hit me. She told me that before ending her prayers at night, she asks "Is there anything you want to tell me?" and waits. She said she always heard something. I tried doing that in my prayer before bed, and it was amazing. I actually imagined Heavenly Father standing behind me, and I felt pressure and warmth around me. I promise I felt Him hug me.

I am going to do that every night from now on.

A Darkrai Halloween

Hello world!

I hate you, world.

Just kidding. Although there's many things out there that I strongly dislike with a passion.

I'll start with saying that I finished revising "Suitcase", so now the 2nd verse isn't so much of a mouthful. I'm very pleased with the song, but no way no how would I find any way to share it since I'm so shy. *whimper* I don't know what I'll do, cuz I don't want to forget how it goes when I'm older and have no way to find the melody again. Recording myself on my phone would be stupid, though...

I wrote down stuff throughout this week and last week to write, so, taking off the talk and song from last week, I still have... *counts* 15 topics.

...*deep breath*

My sister just got a ukulele, and is starting to learn/relearn how to play it. Her main goal is to learn how to play the "Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" ukulele song (one of the only songs missionaries are allowed to listen to *the more you know*). I wonder how many other songs she'll learn.

The last Young Women activity was at the president's house, where we did pumpkin carving. I managed to carve a really cool one, where it looked like a cat on a tree branch. Of course, I forgot to take a picture of it before it went bad and gross. *sigh* It's in my memories...

While there, one of the counselors talked with me about Personal Progress. (It's stuff Young Women in the LDS faith do to develop good characteristics of righteous women. If you complete the full books, you get a special necklace. It's really pretty.) I have very little that is fully done. My main problem with Personal Progress is that I don't really have much motivation to finish it, and as to the experiences, I don't like writing in my journal for them, so many were incomplete. (I know, I know, that sounds weird. I love writing; in fact, I'm writing in my diary blog right now. But that stuff, it's harder for me to know what to write, and make it meaningful.) But she said some stuff that was just a big wake-up call for me. She gave me motivation, so now I'm gonna try harder to get my Personal Progress done. In fact, I took time a few days after that after I did Seminary and completed... 4? Last night, I started working on my Faith project. Just did some brainstorming for a poem or story or something. I kinda poured out all of my thoughts at the moment too, so... it would probs make anyone else look at it and they'd be like "WOAH THERE." It even makes me feel a little "Woah there, friend; I think you need to slow down." I guess I really needed to let it out.

Have you heard that song "All About That Bass"?

Last Thursday(?) (not 3 days ago, but the Thursday before that), I wore high pigtails (like you might've had when you were a third of my current age...). It was that day (or maybe the day before?) when I started wearing all of my Halloween stuff. I don't have as much anymore, though, so I was just mainly finding different ways to use my Halloween hair ties and use orange and black. No one was really weirded out by my high ponytails with little witch hat hair ties in them, luckily, and just commented that I looked cute. I am not totally sure why, but... wearing my hair up like that makes me feel more energetic. I guess I feel more like a little kid? I don't know.

There was an assembly done by a traveling group of public speakers about making good choices. Sure, they did some stupid stuff when they started, but what I liked was that they later got very serious and very real and very blunt. They were mainly talking about not drinking and not doing drugs, but it was also about making good/bad choices and how they will affect your future. I know I will never drink or do drugs (do I really seem like the kind of person who would?) but it really saddened me when they told all the students that knew someone who drank or did drugs, then if they knew someone who died by alcohol poisoning, then someone who died from drugs, and then someone who died in a drunk driving accident. I was nearly to tears because the last speaker was very yelly and loud, but I also appreciated it, since I'm guessing there's some kids that won't listen otherwise. I hope people remember something, anything from the assembly and rethink what they're doing.

Oh, so I took the PLAN test. Exactly one week after the PSAT. *facepalm* It wasn't too bad, although I freaked a little on the science portion. The thing about the science part in tests like this is that it's mainly analyzing data. If you really want to be sure about the answers, you have to really drink in the information in charts and graphs and stuff, and drinking in all the information for all the problems and answers felt like it couldn't really be done in 25 minutes. I wish I could've gone back and really looked at what all those experiments and stuff were, because I didn't really get the chance to do that when I was just hurrying through the questions.

I realized that I referred to my friend as Cat Lady the first time, then forgot that and referred to the same friend as Blondie. So, know that that was the same girl, and from now on I'll continue calling her Blondie. Speaking of, I finally saw her perform in Colorguard in the last pep rally of the season. They can do some pretty impressive spins and stuff with the flags and other props.

Elenita's oldest sister (I don't think I've given a name for anyone else in this family) went on her mission last week. It's gonna be English-speaking, but she'll still learn some French at the MTC, since she's going to CANADA! *cheer* Pretty cool, eh?

A few of my friends told us about this hilarious Youtube video called "The Comeback Kid." I watched it with my sister, and she was nearly laughing to tears. I realized that it was the same guy that Broranges showed me a few videos from years ago. One of them was "Ghost in the Stalls", I think, and the other... not sure what it was called, but it had to do with hacking a neighbor's printer. This guy is just so freaking hilarious. I should watch more of his videos, seriously. I haven't really been watching much stuff lately, though... I haven't watched any anime for a few weeks. Disappointing.

Okay, I realized that, once again, I mixed up Anne Frank and Helen Keller in a conversation. Why do I do this? Do they look too similar in the pictures?

We went to a ward (someone else's ward though, HA) Trunk-or-Treat last Wednesday, so we did our costumes then. As planned before, I went as the girl from the Grudge, and my sister decided to be the Annabelle doll. We both looked pretty cool. In fact, I'll put a picture! (I didn't plan on ever showing my actual face on here, but I showed the pic to multiple people, and they usually said it didn't look like me, so I'll just hope no one will come kill me through this.)

But, so, on Friday, actual Halloween, I was too lazy to dress up again. And I felt like it was a good idea to go to the school play, since I knew some people in it. Of course, there was a very small audience because the school was a big butthole to decide to put on the play on HALLOWEEN. As if that made sense. My friends didn't do that bad, but they need to work more on the funny aspect of acting, according to my dad. He's right, but I know how nerve-racking getting on a stage and acting can be, without considering anything like having an accent or exaggerating or something.

Oh dear... I'm to the last topics of my list... I put them off till the end... Because I didn't want to have to talk about them...

They're all concerning my friend Darkrai.

I knew that his life was probably difficult, since he's talked about how he doesn't have friends in his school and how his parents banned him from social media (though he still managed to sneak into Wattpad, which he mainly uses to talk to his online friends and RP, not reading). I'd also seen stuff in his profile description on FFN where he talks about his inner demons and wrote a sad story (which he posted recently to Wattpad. Turns out it's 100% true). He likes scary, creepy, and sad. He has talked about voices in his head. But I still thought he was just fine.

I was wrong.

He tried to kill himself. He attempted to OD his pills. HE IS SUICIDAL.

Once he got back online, I messaged with him for a few hours. I suddenly felt the huge responsibility of not just being the friend I had been before, but one that tries to deal with someone I just discovered has depression, on my shoulders. I tried to act normal, just more supportive, but this responsibility invaded my mind. I went to my friends in PE for help, and they did, but it was hard to calm down. I thought about it most of the day, and worried about what I should say and how to say it, and if I was doing too little or too much, and... Wow. Just thinking about my state of mind makes me feel tense and tired all over again.

Online, he talked about having no motivation to eat (which I had experienced myself earlier this year, mainly during the summer, and it was horrible; however, there's not much I can say to help him with that. When it happened, I had to force myself to eat something, and my mom forced me too. Force was the only way to get through, and he didn't like the sound of that), and discussed not really knowing who he was with someone else. I did what I felt I should do at that moment, which included messaging him when I could and, on Thursday, sending him a video through text, in which I actually talked to him, with my actual voice and my actual face, and I sang the first part of "Glorious" to him. I was still in this freaking-out state of mind all the way through to Friday, Halloween.

I go on to Wattpad during Career Prep, as I did throughout the week, only to see that, again, his friend Ace said something happened to Darkrai. He fell out of a tree (apparently, because of D's brother?) and got a concussion. He was fine besides having amnesia.

How weird is it to talk to your friend when they don't know who you are, what waffles are, what Halloween is, what almost anything is? Apparently, he didn't even remember his own name. It was such a mind-boggling conversation.

Not remembering his past totally changed his personality. His friend Ace said that Darkrai was the happiest he had ever seen. He reminded me a little of author12306's character Siggy, who also didn't remember anything and was adorable. D was suddenly a little sweetie who got scared by his own profile picture.

Which caused me to say something I really shouldn't have.

I'm sorry! Sometimes I am blunt in a bad way, and I'm more willing to share my thoughts on the internet, and I get amused by things that aren't supposed to be funny!

I was just becoming friends with Darkrai all over again, and I may have suddenly made a bad impression on him and his friends.

I'm freaking out again, like I did last night! I'm sorry, but I kinda sorta maybe want to cry and punch myself and die in a hole because that's where I belong because I act like life and death are just jokes!

THEY ARE NOT JOKES, AND I KNOW THAT. So why did I laugh like these things were not serious? I don't know. I just...

Help me be a better person! I want to help Darkrai, whether he gains all his memory back or not, and I want to be a good example, and I want to say all the right things!

Take the picture as a signal that this was added later. During FHE, my mom asked me what was bugging me. I confessed some of the stuff about Darkrai (not the suicide attempt since I don't know if that'll still be a problem), and they reassured me that I don't need to try so hard and just be there, which is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that the Holy Ghost helped them know what I needed to hear without me saying it. I mean, my other friends told me before to do the same, but I still felt an obligation to help more, therefore just stressing myself out and possibly annoying him. Therefore, I have decided that I really was doing too much. *nod to self*

Also, I want to keep this picture because Darkrai loves it. Or at least loved it before he forgot.