I did the whole "list things to write about throughout the week" thing again... It's super long, so it's probably better I don't do that again. *sweat drop*
I finished The Red Pyramid for... the third time? Still awesome. I'm so happy I have a copy for myself now, instead of having to get it from the library. I love libraries, but if there's a book I love as much as this one, I want to be able to read it whenever I want for the rest of my life.
I read the first novel of Maximum Ride. I liked the graphic novels better.
I was also recommended the "Night-of-the-Were-Ed" fancomics, and I read them all yesterday. They're okay; not good enough to want to read them again. That's just me.
Yesterday, my mom, sister, and I watched a movie called Hide and Seek.
NO. NO. NO. That movie made all of us want to flip a table or something. ...Maybe just me, since that's a common thing for me. Also, I definitely will not name any of my future children Charlie.
Since I'm on the role of reading and watching right now, guess what I watched last Saturday? *can barely contain excitement* THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST MOVIE! *girly shriek* It's even better the second time around! And, even though I was just waiting for it because I knew it happened, my heart broke in two when Ed separated himself from Mustang and Al. AL, DON'T MAKE ME CRY! *sob* And that music that I listened to? I actually paid more attention throughout the movie, and I caught where some of the songs were. I missed where "The Alchemic World" was, but I sure dang did hear where "Separation" was. It's because of that beautifully memorably so-sad-it-made-me-die-inside music at the moment that I seriously was near to tears when I heard it, right when Al was like "Brother, what are you doing?!" in that pained way of his. I'm sorry about rambling, but I feel emotional just THINKING about it right now because it's so sad yet I also love it because I know that that's not the end and the ending really is about as happy as it can be (in my opinion) and I just love this movie and I seriously love the first anime so much more because this is the real ending!
*breathes in and out deeply* Okay, I'm good.
WAIT- I finally also got to watch the FMA OVAs! *fangirling all over again* Everything that happened in most of them I already knew because of Truth Revealed, but they turned out so much better than I expected! I got to watch one of my fave movies and see the OVAs on Hulu!
THIS is why I don't like Netflix as much anymore.
Now, for the more normal events, not critiques and fangirling. Throughout last week I had to do a fitness test in PE. I did "eh" on the crunches (what's up with how they do sit-ups/crunches around here? It's weird) and a little low on the pushups (I could do more if we didn't have to them so fast!), and the flexibility test? After stretching throughout the class period, I was the very last one. I just barely passed. Seriously, by, like, millimeters. (Side note, I tried doing cartwheels the next day, and I felt pretty good. Now more motivation to stretch more often.)
*weird voice* What about running the mile, lilaclily00?
*normal voice* Oh. That. Ugh.
I always felt very tired and sick after running, because, as I tell everybody, I was not made for running. I'm serious. I tried to be running (...more like a jog, but whatever) for all of the first lap (out of four), in which I succeeded, but I seriously paid for it later. Most of my third lap ended up being walking, and I continued to walk for the last one, but I started feeling horrible. I felt like I was gonna fall down painfully (ironic that I'm listening to "All Fall Down" right now. Hahaha.) and cry. Then maybe barf a little as an afterthought. I let myself collapse onto the grass, next to the track, and just sat there panting and wincing for one or two minutes, worrying a few of the girls passing by. I eventually lifted myself up and the pain was aguantable (that felt more accurate than anything in English), so I continued to walk, a little slow. I talked with another girl who was mostly walking, too. We both have problems with running, so I appreciate knowing I'm not alone, although I think I push myself more than her anyway. Due to my collapsing, my time was much later, so the teacher just took my time from the week before for the fitness test, which I'm perfectly pleased with. Thank goodness she gets that I'm tryin' 'ere! (Where'd the accent come from?)
I was once again given two projects at the same time (I WISH TEACHERS WOULD FREAKING STOP DOING THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW SOMETHING AT THEM) that, once again, they gave us too much to do within one week. The first is to do a short Powerpoint with Puritan research with a partner. I had one of the partners from my first English project, the one that did the least out of all of us. She was gone a few times and stuff, so I wrote the entire Powerpoint by myself. Literally. My dad told me to explain to my teacher and stuff (being a lot more angry and accusing than what actually happened), so I did, but I also told her that my partner did help with a few things, and actually did the stuff I asked her to do. I don't know how our grades are going to work out; I wish she would try harder to actually do stuff herself, not for my benefit but for hers, but it's not like I want her grade to drop. I wish she could excel at school, really. Apparently, that won't happen. *sympathetic sigh*
Since I had been feeling pretty stressed that I had to write the Powerpoint over the weekend, I spent Friday and Saturday morning doing things that I wanted to do, felt I should do, and that I enjoyed. That included getting my hair cut Friday evening, which I'll talk a bit more about later, and watching on Hulu the stuff above. But then, the moment came in which I had to do homework. I opened up the Powerpoint, and, as I expected- I couldn't think straight. It almost felt like I couldn't read anything that was on there. True, it may have been my own fault since I knew that would happen, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.
Beforehand and during, I knew it was gonna go exactly how it went the first time around. Knowing at the moment I wasn't gonna accomplish anything, and that later I was gonna break down and cry like a wimp on my mom's shoulder before I could finally focus and get stuff done. So I wanted to try getting the crying done with earlier. So I marched up to my room and... kind of forced myself to cry. I let all the thoughts swim around in my head, and I softly sang some Adam Lambert songs until a tear or two came out. I knew it wasn't enough. I actually considered hurting myself to get the tears out, like twisting one of my fingers, but the suggestion was turned down since I knew I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else, and even if I did manage to do that, I was gonna, well, be in pain for a few days, and it would become even harder to focus on my work. So, I let my mind stay in the loop it was already in, and I started singing again a little. Just kinda verbally punching myself for trying to deal with something that the teacher seriously said herself that we shouldn't worry too much about this project. Telling myself I was a wimp and that I needed to handle this better. The little chorus was:
I'm mad at myself
I'm mad at myself
Not the world
Just myself
Not super original, but enough. My frustration just grew when I looked over to my alarm clock and saw that over 10 minutes had gone by and I barely accomplished anything. I kept going with it, hoping to squeeze out some more tears, but I knew that was it. (I'd write more of what I sang, but I don't remember very well anymore, and I bet you all want this crazy to go away.) I got up, blew my nose, then went back to try looking at the project again.Still couldn't think.
I finally went to my mom, asking for help. Once again all I did was sit next to her in tears, blubbering on that I just couldn't think and all of that. She then just stood up and opened the door to the garage and basement. She told me I could come down with her to start organizing more stuff in the boxes in the basement. I took her offer.
We both shuffled around, looking inside of boxes and pulling out books and papers that got jumbled up by the moving company. I got to see old things I never saw before, like my mom's journal and my dad's high school diploma. I got to see my dad's mission plaque that I almost-swear I never saw before, and it was shocking to see a picture of him when he was so young. I totally calmed down and my gears started turning a bit now that we were organizing. Eventually, she offered a suggestion for part of the Powerpoint, but we continued to work for a bit. I finally said that I could think again and that I would try to do my project. I thanked and apologized, then went upstairs. I basically finished the whole Powerpoint in one sitting.
I hope I can handle future projects much better than I am now, since I will still have to deal with them for a few years. Maybe just start with doing something to make my brain work, like organizing, before attempting the project, not giving myself a moment to sob pathetically?
Kay, to the haircut. I had actually been thinking about it since late September, but I didn't want to do it until at least after Halloween (because I needed long hair for my costume). I asked a few girls what I would probably look best with, and they all said the same thing- halfway down my upper back with long layers. My hair was literally to my waist (which was my mission with growing it out, so I pat my own back), and becoming even more of a hassle. It was also pretty heavy, and I was having a headache from it all the time. I asked my mom to cut it that way, and I think I'm happier. My hair isn't quite as heavy, it's still long enough to do stuff with, and best part- my hair is just short enough that it won't get pulled at by the stupidly designed chairs at school. I was seriously losing a bit of hair because of those chairs if I wasn't being careful enough. I think it might look better at this length, anyway. I'm so glad I asked some people for opinions. I guess I'll draw a pic of it this week.
After my project, we went to a 4-year-old's party, since he was a kid in our branch, and the little brother of our Young Women's 1st Counselor (Taking her name, shortening it, then changing it to a food name that sounds like it... her codename is now Nilla, like Nilla (vanilla) wafers). There was where I did cartwheels, and almost won musical chairs, and had some "eh" snacks. The food was good, but there was just... something just a little off with the flavors. The empanadas could've been more flavorful and without green olives, the meatballs' seasoning was a bit too strong, and the mini pizzas were kinda sweet? (Don't really know how they managed that.) The cake's texture was like tres leches, but was still good, and the frosting was very dark blue, surprisingly. (It left my tongue blue, which was cool.) I still liked being there, and my sister got to talk with Nilla more.
Nilla has an absolutely adorable daughter (seriously the cutest baby in the entire world) who's now, like, 2 months old? Let's name her Belle. Nilla was the one to get me to try harder on Personal Progress. I didn't give myself time last week to do more, but I plan to today, since I have no school (Veteran's Day). I have no doubt that my sister and I are going to develop a very close relationship with her. It already seems like my sister trusts her, which I'm happy about, and she really likes us.
She gave a lesson in Young Women's class on Sunday that really got me thinking. It wasn't her intention, I'm sure, but when we were supposed to look within ourselves, I ended up in the part of myself where I am kinda losing confidence in myself. I started thinking about it, and figured it out. I don't really trust myself. I was never really outgoing in the first place, but now thinking about the stuff that I don't let myself do, it's more because I think of the things that I might do wrong, not just something going wrong. When we did a makeup activity in Young Women's, I kept repeating to my sister that I don't trust myself with putting makeup on myself, because I think I'll poke my own out with eyeliner or something, one of the primary reasons why I don't wear it. I don't trust myself with a brush when painting, because I always end up doing something wrong. I don't trust myself to cook some things, because I am sure I will burn something. I don't say much most of the time, because often, when I do say something, it was the wrong thing. I don't really trust my mouth.
Looking at this, I realize that my confidence in myself is not as high as I thought.
I was once a puppy that was basically happy all the time, and this school year has just been beating me down. I still become happy easily and try to cheer other people, but I can tell it's not as much of a constant in my life. I hope, by the end of this year, at least, all this darker stuff will go away.
Back to Nilla. After church, she offered to take my sister and I to her house to eat tamales. We went and enjoyed our time there. It was definitely what I needed. (What we needed; I recently found my sister looking up natural cures for depression on Youtube. Yet another thing to happen this year.) She then took us to a botanical garden, which was beautiful. My dad is now considering living near it.
My mom and sister found on Craigslist job listings for blog writers! My mom was telling me that, if the job's flexible enough, I could seriously just write about anything, like on here, maybe every once in a while post a short story, or a poem, or just write my opinon on something... And get paid a dollar for every 100 words. *loud cash register cha-ching* We don't know enough details for me to try getting in on it, but my sister already submitted a blog post of her own that kinda introduces her and tells her whole life story within a few paragraphs. We'll see if she gets the job and what she can do before deciding if I can get the same job or at least help my sister and just get a few bucks from her.
Did you know there are now apps for converting Youtube videos to mp3s on phones? I had gotten fed up that there were so many songs that I could only do that way, but only knew how to do it on the laptop, so I looked for an app, and bingo. I converted "Separation" to an mp3, so that beautifully tragic song is now part of my music playlist. *little dance in my seat* It was still a bit of a hassle, but I think I'll be using it a few more times anyway.
Last thing. During Nilla's lesson on Sunday, the Young Women's president added in something that really hit me. She told me that before ending her prayers at night, she asks "Is there anything you want to tell me?" and waits. She said she always heard something. I tried doing that in my prayer before bed, and it was amazing. I actually imagined Heavenly Father standing behind me, and I felt pressure and warmth around me. I promise I felt Him hug me.
I am going to do that every night from now on.
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