I kinda doubt that I haven't written anything about what I pretty much consider the only thing that makes me think I get where people are coming from when they say middle school sucks. I went to a normal, public middle school for one year. Maybe my teachers weren't perfect and I had favorites, and maybe sometimes I felt a strange mixed feeling about one of my friends because sometimes I felt like I couldn't get a break from her but I also couldn't just say that because then she'd feel abandoned too- well, that'll be explained in here- but overall I thought my year was pretty dang good. It still seems pretty good when I think back on it.
But then, something will remind me about my other friend group, and I remember I'd gotten hurt pretty badly during that year, too... the kind of hurt that stuck to me.
Right now, as I write this, it doesn't hurt like I used to, but even in college, I've had a couple good cries about it. Eeeeeeevery once in a while, I get a reminder that I'm not over it. I really want to be over it, man.
So, that's what I'm hoping to do by writing this. Just... get it out, when I'm not overwrought by emotions that seem way too strong for something that happened when I was 12. Maybe it won't be as bad if I get overwrought yet again at some point in my life.
I'm doing it now because of a Relief Society activity we had last Wednesday. It was about overall wellness- in other words, physical and mental and spiritual health. It got pretty heavy for most of it, as a lot of it revolved around depression and anxiety and why people develop them in the first place. It's so weird to me now that I can think about those with a little more personal experience than I ever could before- like, enough that I admitted I was depressed for a bit there to Sis and, relatively recently, to Carter. The last woman to speak had told everyone to take some time to pray and really think about their insecurities- and identify their limiting beliefs, as my internal Sis added- and where they really came from, and work on overcoming them once you've gotten to the root. Thanks, lady, but I already figured out the roots a long time ago- what I needed was a plan that I would actually follow through with.
I hadn't even properly prayed about it at that point, but she'd gotten it stuck in my head that I should say something to someone, like she would say to her husband or her therapist. I realized then that I haven't ever vocalized the entire dilemma to someone before- the full, full version. I've said parts to a few different people- Sis and Mom knew the majority of it- but I hadn't even told them everything, and probably never will.
But the idea of just spilling my soul is terrifying, so a different solution came to mind- times that I stayed up late with Sis for whatever reason, and so there we are together, sleep-deprived, telling each other chest-burning secrets. That's what I needed- to not be the only one spilling my soul.
I asked my roommates if they were willing to do something like that, and one declared, "That's it, we're doing a sleepover this weekend!"
So we actually did it! On Friday, two of them brought out their mattresses to the living room, while my other roommate got on the couch and I pulled out my sleeping bag. Ultimately, I was the one that told the heaviest "secret", but it really did feel easier to do in the dark, in my sleeping bag, staring at the ceiling as my roommates fight sleep and ultimately fail. I told them the fullest version I've given to anybody.
I had entered into school, already knowing people, for the first time in 7th grade, my first year of normal middle school. This included friends, like Nutelly. I was very excited about not being 100% the new kid for once, and having friendships that might actually last because they were carrying into a second school year.
But that didn't mean I didn't try to make new friends, because I did make new friends! And what's better than having more friends? All your friends being friends! So I introduced them to each other, and they were awkward at first, but in just a few days they were friends, too! We could all hang out together now! It was gonna be great! I even pulled out some friendship necklaces my mom had bought at Claire's forever ago cuz they were cute and it was an excuse to give them away.
But then things seemed different. It really only took a few days more to feel like it was harder to insert myself into the group when they all talked together during gym. I tried talking to them in other classes, instead, but felt like that wasn't really working either... and it weighed heavier and heavier on me as the year wore on and I felt like I was slowly getting kicked out of the group I'd formed in the first place.
I'd lost friends plenty before, but it was always because of moving to different schools. It was normal and still hurt, but nothing like feeling accidentally (or maybe purposefully?) phased out of a friendship. Multiple friendships. A friendship that I'd cared to hold for longer than a year, and who had bothered to still be friends with me, too.
What I couldn't get over was not knowing why. Was it purely them, or was it because of me? Was I too annoying? Was I too clingy? Were the cute little necklaces too much? Could I fix it? Could I prevent it from happening again? It killed me for years. Months ago, it still killed me, and one of the only things I had actually done back then when I was supposed to was pray to not be killed by it.
I mean, I think it worked. No longer I want as badly as I did last year to send Nutelly a note, begging for an explanation. Now I feel a little more accepting of the fact that it probably isn't a good idea to talk to her at all. But do I think I could see her (or think I see her, at least) out of the blue and keep my cool? Not really.
I think, by the fact that she's the only one I've only put a name to this whole thing to, it's obvious Nutelly's the one that I felt hurt by the most. I thought we were close friends, so it felt like a true... betrayal to prefer my other friends over me. She's the only person I've felt betrayed by.
I think I'm done for today, so I'll continue this later (hopefully, within the week).
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