Well. THAT Sucked.

Hey, world.

Of all the places for me to break down, I didn't think it would be at church yesterday.

We took my sister to the airport last Tuesday. We had a few short cries the day before, and a very hard hug before she went to the TSA line.

The days since then, I've realized just how different it is without her.

For example, we went to a restaurant after the airport. We always get a booth, where my parents sit together on one side, and me and her on the other. And we almost always would go to the bathroom together to wash our hands before the food arrives or something. Neither happened. I sat alone on my side of the booth, and I didn't talk with anyone as I washed my hands. (I know, it's stupid, but it's different for me.)

She watches a lot of TV. She plays music in her room. She makes her little nutritious snacks in the kitchen. She laughs really loud, almost like a crazy cackling witch.

The house is just... so quiet now.

How did I spend the rest of the week? End-of-term exams, reading, watching AMVs and Len/Rin Kagamine. Feeling a little empty.

I blurted out at some point to Blondie on the bus "By the way, you're my replacement sister now." She seemed so flattered; I guess she didn't really realize how much of a friend she is for me. She obviously didn't see me writing that I already kind of thought of her as a sister. Not as much as my real sister, obviously, or even Beka, but still. (Oh my gosh, I just started thinking about Stitch saying "O'hana means family", because I saw that movie this morning. He's adorable. *tear*)

Speaking of, she told me all excited one day that she started forming the concept for a story. (I don't think I've told her about my own interest in writing, so that surprised me, but I paid close attention to what she was saying anyway.) It was one of those where a group of friends somehow get elemental powers together and stuff. (I mean, there's more than that, but explaining everything isn't important.)

I always feel bad, because my own ideas always branch off from the ones of others, and don't know if I'm copying or not. But, still, before I could stop myself, I thought about her story and started brainstorming for my own. I started writing for it on Thursday, since school was out because of weather (again- I miss living somewhere where they didn't care about the weather, you were GOING TO SCHOOL whether you like it or not) in my little journal. I like the idea, but I'm worried about being able to actually create a villain and elaborate on the plot. More than that, though, I'm worried that my characters might not actually be likable. I personally have a different idea for what personalities go with which elements than Blondie due to Avatar: the Last Airbender, W.I.T.C.H...

Actually, have you guys ever heard of that series? I remember that, in 5th grade, I tried to read as many of those as I could (because they had quite the collection at the downtown SLC library). I was annoyed by the characters at times and was a bit embarrassed sometimes to like the series, but I still read it. And we own the box set of the first 8 books. So, when my mom found them, I asked her if I could read all those again before she sold them. As I'm reading, it's all coming back to me, and I'm realizing how much I thought of the stuff from them. Like, Hay Lin's style might've contributed to how I became friends with a girl at my old school who sometimes wore goggles. I forgot how weird the names of the girls were, though. And I feel like there was some significance to Irma's flower necklace... but it hasn't been mentioned. Was I remembering incorrectly about something different instead?

If I thought my mom was serious about getting rid of stuff the last time we moved, now it's an understatement. Things are disappearing faster than ever. And I'm helping her out a lot more; my sister being gone probably has to do with that. I know it's a good thing, but it's also weird... it just adds to the empty feeling our house seems to have now.

I also read a bit of a fanfic a few days ago. One of those where the original characters come to our world instead of a fan to theirs. I didn't read much, because... I didn't really like the way they wrote it. It was unrealistic and not so amusing. Now that my desire to write is going up again, I decided to try my hand at it- starting it similar to how the fanfic did, but making it more realistic, and then seeing where I take it, and how different it would end up. I'm thinking about it a lot, and still have quite a way to go... but I feel like what I have done on paper (well, iPod) sounds a little drab. Like, I haven't put much of my personality in it. *hrrm* What to do, what to do?

I've talked a little with my sister on the phone (yes, we're back to this again), and it was nice to hear her voice. I'd like it if we could Skype, though. I seriously prefer to see someone's face if I'm talking to them. That's part of why I don't like phone calls. She seems to be good, but also having a rough time being away from us. And having to deal with my grandparents and aunt kinda throwing ideas at her without really giving her a chance to say yes or no.

Yesterday, we were asked to share experiences that tested/increased our faith. Almost every single thing shared... it reminded me of something my sister had to suffer through, and/or her being gone. Those feelings I'd had a few months ago, about her going through so much while I was nearly scot-free came back, strong. It just took a few seconds, seriously, for me to start crying. The other girls, if they noticed, had probably assumed I was crying because others were, but it took a while (until I must've looked absolutely awful) for the YW President to look at me and ask, "...Are you okay?"

I even cried while I was telling an extremely short version of my little bus-in-storm-prayer story. Like, full-on. The story makes me a little sad, but wouldn't that have alerted someone?

After some hugs and consolation and getting an extra lollipop, I finally confessed to someone those feelings- namely, the president. She told me that I clearly wasn't the only one affected, and that watching someone else in pain instead of having it myself was my trial. It would help me gain empathy and understanding of others and make me a better person and mother in the future.

I don't think I'd thought of that... But I needed to hear it. I thank her for telling me.

While I would still like to take burdens from my sister, I think that I've accepted that I can't better.

I'd gotten tuckered out from my nonstop tears, though, and slept a while in the afternoon at home. That's why I posted today instead.