My writing style this week might be influenced by works mentioned throughout the post. (Also, maybe a little by A Narration of the Captivity and Restoring of Mary Rowlandson. The greatest discussion question my English teacher brought up was "If she is such a devout Christian, why is she so biased towards the Native Americans?" *ooooooooooh* *aw snap*)
1 Behold, thus saith the Lord unto you my servants, it is expedient in me that the [members] of my church should be called together, from the east and from the west, and from the north and from the south, by letter or some other way.
2 And it shall come to pass that inasmuch as they are faithful, and exercise faith in me, I will pour out my Spirit upon them in the day that they assemble themselves together.
(D&C 44:1-2)
I just think it is so perfect that that was what I read in my daily scripture study last night, since it is GENERAL CONFERENCE WEEKEND!~ *cheering*
Once again, this was a very inspiring and Spirit-filled weekend. I got the prompting during the first session to send a text to Blondie, inviting her to watch it too. She was on vacation in a mountain or something, so maybe I'll remind her to watch the recordings online sometime or something. I feel that she would really like them.
Holland got me tearing up during his talk! *sniff* He sounded so... what I can only describe as 'heart-broken'. I think I'm more willing to do service now, and I plan to give most of my birthday money along with my family's tithing. $20 is little, but it can still make a difference, right?
I was also reminded during Martinez's talk in the last session that I had a thought recently of getting my patriarchal blessing before 11th grade. I think I'll be ready for it by the beginning of next year.
I spent a lot of yesterday doing and thinking. My mom gave me Things Not Seen by Andrew Clemens (which is a crazy good book), so I read that throughout the day. After the Saturday sessions, we went to a nearby neighborhood that we MIGHT live in in the future (and bought some awesome tamales), where we just chatted on a porch swing by a small lake inside (cuz that's just how they roll in the South) and were followed by baby ducks (and their mommas). When we came back, I did my homework. Then, I did something that I'd actually not done before: researched colleges online.
This was brought about because 2 or 3 weeks ago the counselor came into our English class to talk to us about preparing for college, and at the last slide she had websites for deciding which college to go to and/or find scholarships. She also mentioned that there was to be a PSAT soon. Once upon a time, I would have just ignored the PSAT, but I'm different now. I realized that if I don't really plan to do any other stuff to really prepare for graduation besides studying for big tests, I should at least do this to make sure I'll be okay. So all last week, after I gave the counselor some money, she gave me a practice test (practice test for the practice test, ha), which I completed throughout last week during study hall. I really did not do as good on it as I was hoping.
But, besides the PSAT, I did get the message that I need to start preparing more for my future. I had to look at a college for a Career Prep assignment, and did BYU (even though it's on the other side of the country) since I had always figured I'd probably go to it or some other school in Utah, and I felt a little more interested in finding the information on it than I would have been just maybe a few months ago.
Yesterday, I decided to look at some of the websites given by the counselor. On one, I was able to compare a few of the colleges in Utah, and I felt a little more convinced by the information on BYU, so, unless I suddenly find some other college before I graduate that I feel the strong urge that it's the right one, I'm going to BYU in a few years!
While I feel a little better about where I was gonna go, I've lately been more anxious about what I'm gonna do. The only career I have thought of throughout my life is to be a teacher. I can't imagine doing anything else. But what if it turns out that I can't handle talking in front of a group for hours a day? Or that I actually can't teach well? (I have managed to explain some concepts for people, but other things I couldn't, which doesn't seem like a good sign.) Since my mom knows I'm starting to worry more about my future life decisions, she told me to try looking at other careers too.
Musician, voice actor, singer, writer, geneticist. I have an interest in all of these, but not enough to make it my job, plus I'm pretty sure I would get less pay in the end. And I literally can't think of anything else I want to do with my life.
I just hope that in a few years of change and growth I'll be more comfortable teaching or I'll suddenly discover something I love and can change my career path quickly.
Have you noticed what I've been mentioning throughout this post? Past, present, future. Change.
After I finished my homework and minimal college research, then finished the book (throughout the book, I noticed that the main character often mentioned that going through those experiences had changed him drastically) while listening to a playlist of mellower songs (mellow compared to the rest of my song list, but it still can get kinda loud), I continued listening to the music, and looked to my iPod. I decided to make sure my Drive and Blogger apps are updated so that I wouldn't have to go through all the trouble of logging in and stuff if I ever actually had to go in fast sometime. I ended up skimming through some of my old content on both of them, and then I wondered what I had written last October on this blog. So I went to it.
Yesterday, it was Oct 4, (Before I forget, I have finally celebrated my first Oct. 3 as an FMAniac! Too bad I had not realized it until it was mentioned on a story update on FFN...) and there are two posts on Oct. 4, 2013, exactly one year ago. That day I excitedly wrote that I started drawing Mausu Mumei during school, read a cool Danny Phantom fancomic (then wanted to kill the author since they didn't FINISH it), and that my Adventure Time fanart was displayed on a Facebook page.
Wow. That feels like it was forever ago.
I noticed a difference in the style of writing, the topics; just a different period of my life. My deepest characteristics, such as generally being shy (but then talking a lot if I'm just with one person), have always remained the same, but I constantly change. I have changed, I change every day, and will continue to change. Just seeing who I was a year ago, it almost doesn't seem like ME anymore. And if I look back at this post in one year, I'll probably say the same thing again. (Okay, maybe I don't change THAT much.)
Maybe I'll be ready for the adult world within a few years, but at the moment, I'm not. I sort of don't like knowing that I will have to change for that to happen, since I have seen other people change and did not like it, but it has to happen.
Thinking about what I was going to write in this post, still a little worried about my future, and still listening to music, the next song to come on was "For the Weight of Us." At that moment, I mentally changed the words to "For the Weight of Me." I'm not ready for the weight of future me. No, I don't think I'm ready for the future, period.
As to the future, I'm not just worried about school. I sat with Blondie's little brother on the bus after school, and he told me that he felt that the ISIS stuff going on means Jesus is almost here. And he felt he was ready for it, without a doubt. The excited look on his face for the Second Coming surprised me a little, a kid who's 12 but looks younger, being so confident about something like this.
I didn't know if this should've inspired me to be more confident in myself and my preparation too or worry more about whether we all really are ready for it.
This title might not seem totally relevant to the content, but it is to me. Thinking about this stuff really made me look within myself and try to find my changes and my good qualities, the part of me that felt confident and proud of my abilities.
I promise I'm not depressed or anything close to it, I just have less self-esteem when it comes to certain things...
I almost forgot! I've recently gotten more interested in piano music again. After I finished Pandora Hearts (Why is it just one season?! *sob*), I decided to find sheet music to play "Lacie", the song from the watch. Once our old keyboard is fixed and/or we sell it and get a newer one, I'm gonna start trying to play it, at least the right hand. The melody is just so pretty.
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